The XemANas Files
by Kameron Stephens
Summary: How Xemnas became a nutjob, told from each of the member's views. [OOCness abound!]
1. The Xigbar MASTA

Hey! Yeah, it's me, Xigbar! Since I'm, like, the Xigbar-MASTA, I've been recently writing down all of Xemmy's…well, "flaws", shall we call them? Little bits of info you're probably NOT supposed to know, and I probably SHOULDN'T tell them, because, well, if Xemnas ever found out about this…

But let's make this as…uh….teen-appropriate as possible. But if you can't handle the facts, TURN BACK NOW.

Disclaimer: Keco-Mari doesn't own me, (kinda obvious, don't you think? And if she DID, it would be IN HER DREAMS!!), Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts characters, Star Wars' little 'Light sabers.'

So, dudes and dudettes, let the Xemnas madness BEGIN! You have been WARNED.

(A/N: No insult to Xemnas fans BY ALL MEANS.)

-----------

Okay, so when I joined (the Organization), it wasn't sooo obvious. I actually started noticing this whole deal with the Superior when my main target—I mean, Roxas showed up. But then it was really too late.

I guess the little bean had nothing to do with it. I mean, starting out, he was almost as quiet as Zexion. ALMOST being the operative word. But nevertheless, he was a withdrawn little whelp. Until he met Axel.

Biggest troublemaking pair I ever did see. The only runner-up I could think of is when I would look into the mirror, but golly, as soon as it became Organization XIII instead of XII, things never seemed to settle down.

And I was wondering if the Superior was going crazy. But as I remember it, he was always a bit of a kook.

But no, as soon as his 'Key of Destiny' showed up, The World That Never Was got turned upside down. Literally. I was so ticked off, I messed around with the world's gravity. And of course, got beaned over the head for that.

And that's where it all began to get out of hand.

I was sitting in the living room with the TV turned on, when suddenly, the shrimp appeared. Perfect. "The Chosen One" was going to choose his death if he interrupted my favorite show. AGAIN. I wasn't going to miss the shot this time.

But he wasn't alone. Demyx and Axel were with him. Joy. What fun I always had with them.

"Yo, Xiggy;" Axel said, plopping down onto the couch.

"The hell do you want?" I spat venomously.

"Aww…don't be like that. I just wanna watch TV with you." _With you_ are the words that indicated Axel was going all Zexion on me and was scheming something. Besides the word _anyway._

"Shove off, twerp." I said in between popcorn bits.

Changing the subject and rethinking his plans, he decided to stare through me with cold, green eyes. It was like Vexen when I 'accidentally' sold all his chemicals on EBay. I mean, who needs carbonated acid mixed with whatever-the-heck anyways?

"Hey, I was thinking-"Axel started.

But I cut him off. "Of some way of getting me off the TV so you could watch Teletubbies for the 1,000th time? Don't think that'll work this time, pal."

"I don't watch-"

"And I suppose you don't want to try interrogating me, poisoning my soup, threatening to flush my favorite poster down the john, robbing me of all sugar whatsoever, and breaking my one and only CD I have left just so I can get off the TV? Well, everything of mine that is left is gone kaput, so I suggest you try violence."

"Or we could have a sleepover!" Demyx suggested. He was denser than the hobo that I remembered got hit by the bus in Twilight Town.

"Come ON, Xigbar! You've been glued to the screen for 4 hours STRAIT. Let us have some time too!" Roxas finally piped up.

"It's been 3 hours and 59 minutes, thank you very much." I said.

Roxas tried to hit me, but I easily knocked him aside.

That was a bad idea. It just so happened that Xemnas had decided to waltz in that very same second. And what's more, he had to come in as soon as I knocked Roxas down. So he was like, 'You dare to touch…' There was silence for a few seconds. I think the Superior ran out of breath. I mean, have you HEARD how SLOW he talks? '…my Key of Destiny?'

And the whole thing was humiliating. Not because I knew Axel and Roxas where enjoying the whole lecturing ordeal, but because it was so dang BORING. He started ranting at about mid afternoon, and was done at about 11:00. And I counted only about 301 words and about 90 pauses. It was so cheesy, I almost hurled. Those three morons where the ones causing trouble, yet I was the one who had to listen to Xemnas drone on. And on, and on, and on…..

But what spooked me the most is that Xemnas stood up for Roxas. Was it that he was probably our best chance we had to obtain Kingdom Hearts? I must know…

But what was really weird was back in Marluxia's garden.

Xemnas was too busy smelling a flower to notice Axel gaping at him. And it didn't end there. Xemnas started picking them. It was _sick_. And then Axel lol'd. I think he spent too much time with Demyx, because that wasn't bright at all.

"AXEL!"

Axel went pale. What did the loon expect? But I got an idea. I got out my camera and started filming the whole thing.

"Oh…uh…Xemnas….hi," breathed Axel. It looked like he was about to faint.

"It's SUPERIOR to you! And what the heck and you doing here?" He shouted, dropping the flowers.

"Um….what are _you _doing here?" That was the dumbest question I heard since Demyx asked if he was stupid or not.

"That doesn't matter, you imbecile!" This was delicious. "And if word about…_this _gets out, you know who I'll-"

"I know; you'll light-saber me, right?"

"They're not light-sabers …you blockheaded idiot!" Oh, goodness. Xemnas talks slow even when he's yelling.

"Okay, okay!" Axel was now as white as a "spookable," as ghosts where called in the 100 Acre Wood. "I will never breathe a word! Promise! Cross my heart-!"

"You don't _have_ a heart. You are a Nobody. And Nobodies don't have hearts. That is why we cannot feel emotions. That is why we strive to obtain Kingdom Hearts!" Xemnas said, taking about 2 seconds for every letter. And Xemnas and Axel spoofed off somewhere with their darkness portals. And I sat there chuckling, thinking how much Xemnas fan girls would pay me for this video.

But that wasn't the end of it. Oh, no.

There was this one time that the Superior wasn't acting like the leader he should be. And that's when Organization XIII started to ACTUALLY notice Xemnas' problem-o.

The VHS player started to forget what the word 'eject' means. In other words, it wouldn't pop the tapes out. You had to FORCE them out, usually ending up in tearing up the film. So the Organization soon learned to just watch DVDs and regular TV until Luxord won the lottery (which would be NEVER), so we could get a new VHS player.

Somehow, though, everyone BUT the Xemnas-dude was aware of this. So, as you can figure out where I'm going with this, which you probably can, unless you're Demyx, the Superior decided to watch Bambi.

Okay, so that's wrong enough. But wait, it gets better…

So Xemmy put the tape in the player, and watched it. I soon realized that what he was watching was so OOC for him, I seriously lost my popcorn, if you know what I mean. But luckily, when I came back from the john, it was over. I don't know what he was smiling about, but it was so very, very wrong. I can't believe my _other_ ever worked with that guy.

Oh, me? I didn't know Xemnas was crazy when I joined this Organization. I just wanted my freakin' heart back!

Anyway, Xemnas tried to eject the tape. There was this ripping sound, like the when Axel starts tearing pages out of Larxene's books for some idiot reason, although that usually involves more stabbing, screaming, running, and giving chase. But the Superior couldn't figure out what was wrong. So, he reached inside the VHS player and grabbed the tape, and pulled. Duh.

Well, soon he realized it wouldn't give him back his beloved tape. So, after yanking on it for several _hours_, he summoned his "light-sabers" and started beating the crap out of it. I was struggling not to say 'bonehead' when the best-example-of-the-word-stupidity walking in the room.

"Heeeey Xem-a-nas. What's up?" questioned Demyx. Hey, wait. That's a catchy nickname. Maybe I'll use it as a title or something…

Xemnas was too busy trying to save Bambi from the clutches of the "evil" electronical horror to pay any attention to him.

"What'cha dooooooin' with the tape player thingy? You DO know that thing ruins the films, don't you? You're only supposed to watch DVDs, ya' know?" Just the tone of his voice made the Superior glare.

"I KNOW THAT, STUPID!" he lied, and ripped out the tape, only to find the film was sticking out of the back, destroyed.

After much confusion, a few 'GET OUTs', and non-existant tears, Bambi got destroyed into lotsa little Bambi-bits from Xemnas' rage.

And Demyx was like, "Awww man, I wanted to watch Bambi tooooo!" in the most childish, stupidest voice possible. But of course, that '_stupidest voice possible_' record was soon broken by Xemnas.

And this was a sight to see. For the dude was getting bloody _stupider _by the day. Well, maybe you wouldn't call it stupider. We were all kinda crazy since Roxy appeared.

And that's it- Roxas. He was ALWAYS the source of the problem. It's like he gave off some _waves _or something. For him, it was his advantage against the Superior. For us, it was like some bozo was putting us in a barrel. What? Don't understand? Well, here's an example.

Demyx's drum was stolen one day. Big whoop. He's always loosing _SOMETHING. _Don't know how he does it, but that's Demyx for you. Good for nothing except target practicing. But, anyway, Demyx finally gathered the courage to tell the Superior. Can't deal with his own problems to save his life.

The Superior really didn't want to bother with Demyx, so he said 'Deal with your own freakin' problems,' or something like that. Demyx flooded out the west hall with tears all the way to his room. I mean, seriously, the guy's got issues. So, since Demyx was always screaming after that when he saw our Superior, I called a meeting to end this madness. Xemnas surprisingly came. So we asked who stole the stupid bean can.

"It's called a drum." Demyx said in between sobs. One glare from Xemnas made him scream and try to run away. It took four of us to hold him down. I thought this was going to be a _long_ night.

But as soon as things settled down, almost everyone averted their eyes toward Roxas. So that was easier than I thought.

"Hey, Roxas? Did you steal Demyx's drum?" This must be the stupidest meeting ever.

"Uh…uh…" It was so obvious. Roxas couldn't play poker and win a penny.

But then he pulled the 'puppy eyes' on us.

It was cute…

Well, I mean, what member of the Organization goes so low as to give their higher-ups puppy eyes??! Rubbish! I hated to look at him. I can't believe the Superior let him into our-

WHOA!! Would you look at Xemnas! You can just tell that he was thinking  
"Adorable…I want to squeeze it…" That was too disgustingly weird for me. I left the room. But as I left, I heard him say "Sweeeet!!" in a totally stupid way.

Now I knew Roxas was Xem-a-nas' weakness. I don't know how it got to be that way. There could be multiple reasons. I really DIDN'T want to know. But I figured out that after that little…horror meeting, Demyx was still bean-can-less, Xaldin was driving me crazy with statements such as; "Why is the Superior acting this way?" "Why don't we lock Demyx in the basement so we don't have to hear those infuriating noises?" and yadda, yadda, yadda…

"Okay, Xaldin, first of all, the second question has an obvious answer. Demyx would bawl his eyes out, flood the basement, and make so much noise we'd hear him anyway. As for the first….I don't know. And I really don't want to."

And suddenly, someone, er, I mean _no-one_ started running down the hall, screaming. It was a noise that I'd never heard before. So I stuck my head out the door. My jaw immediately dropped when I saw Saix AIEEEE-ing his fool head off. And as I watched him pass, I was wondering how Moonboy ever got his scary reputation with the way he was screaming. And then a little dog chased after him. Dirtiest little mutt ever. And last came Xemnas, chasing after them both.

"Come back, Tramp! You haven't got your collar yet! And I want to hug yooooou!"

"Hey, Xemnas!" I called out to him.

He stopped running. "What is it, number II, and make it fast!"

"Where's the best place for me to hurl?" Before he could even scowl, Saix darted into my room and hid under the bed, the mutt not far behind. And then Xemnas pounced on "Tramp" and squeezed him.

"Puppyyyyy…." Xemnas cooed. And I was beginning to wonder if I was having a nightmare, and started pinching myself.

"Awwwwww….so cute!" Xaldin said, clasping his hands together. And then, almost about the time I almost passed out from a stupidity-stoke, Roxas came in the room. Should have known he was the center of this swirl of madness. It all kinda reminded me as the time the Superior had me clean all the toilets as punishment for turning Zexion's hair green... HEY! It was soooo his color!

"Uh….Xemnas…I got his collar."

By that time, I was _so_ ticked off. It was entirely his fault. This madness all started with him. He was always the center of attention nowadays. So I summoned my weapons and started targeting him. It took number XIII about 3 seconds before he figured out I was aiming my little missiles of death at him, and before I knew it, I was chasing him down the hall.

"NOOOOO!" Xemnas said, leaping up. "Don't kill my Key of Destiny!! I need him!!" Was it all about Kingdom Hearts to Xemnas, or did '_I need him'_ mean…Oh, you'll figure it out in the end…

But nevertheless, I soon gave up the chase, for he _was _faster than me, so it was pretty much a wild Rox-chase. So, Xemnas caught up, and scolded me. Luckily, the Superior was out of breath, so he didn't say as much, but it made him talk even SLOWER, if that was even POSSIBLE.

Well, there were more things that involved Roxas, probably, but for trying to shoot Xemnas' oh-so-special Key of Destiny, I am gonna to be thrown in this little kill-your-eyes-pink room, spending hours listening to some recorded Superior-voice chewing me out, so I better stop right now and let Keco submit the first chapter. Let the other members tell you THEIR point of view of the whole story. But remember: my story is right, 'cause I'm the Super-Xigbar-dude-MASTA'!

And now I'm off to the Pink Room. Lets hope I don't go as ido-freak as Xemnas has gone. And please don't tell him 'bout this story…

------

So that was Xiggy's side of the story. XD That wasn't so bad…

Please review, I mean, this job isn't that easy. Risking their lives for some stupid story is a lot to ask from these Nobodies. But it's Xaldin's turn next time around…

BETA'D BY: RA-YUN. LIKE ALWAYS. DIES


	2. Pass the wine so already!

Sorry for the long wait for this chapter. It's summer; when you're lazy…hope you enjoy Chapter II!! XD

----------------

Pfft…Xigbar thinks he knows everything that's going wrong with Xemnas. Well, I can assure you, I came here to tell the _truth. _Not feed you lies like the great '_Xigbar MASTA_,' who is currently nuts, mumbling something like 'The Superior is a soup bowl wrapped up in a parasol for me' in his sleep. The pink room has obviously done him in.

But you've come to the right place for FACTS. Where did his story leave off? Ah yes…the Pink Room…

Before we begin, I'd like to sort out a few FLAWS with Xigbar's tale. First of all, after Roxas put on his 'puppy eyes', Xigbar ran away screaming. Second, I didn't think Xemnas hugging Tramp was 'cute.' That was whacko FreeFALLING thinking that over there. He's always blaming things on me. And third, I wasn't asking stupid questions, like Xigbar said I was. That's Demyx's job.

Anyway, as Xigbar was sent off to his doom, Xemnas finally collared Tramp. He let him run free in our halls. Maybe he thought he would get lost just in time for dinner. But the mutt found his way back to the table at dessert, and happened to see Axel first. So he put his head upon Number VIII's lap. There was bewildered silence, although half the reason of it was because Demyx had choked on a fish bone, shutting him up for once.

"What is this mutt doing, begging on my lap and drooling all over?" Axel demanded. He was obviously not taking a liking to the idea of fleas

"He's not begging…" started Xemnas. "He's hinting. Can't you tell the difference" And he took a deep breath. "…..Number VIII?" And it all happened at once. From what I heard, Axel burned Tramp's nose, Saix rammed his fist hard into Demyx's back, knocking the wind, not the bone, out of him, and Luxord started to scream random, irrelevant things, like, "Redrum!" and "Sally Drally!!" and "EBay!" and everything else he could think of. Maybe he was trying to imitate Demyx.

And all Saix sat there sipping his tea and looking at the paper. He found something he didn't like, because soon he tore that particular page out and ate it, mumbling to himself about the difference between 'Class I, Class II, and Demyx behavior.'

Turns out that everyone except Xemnas, Saix, Zexion, Roxas, and myself where beating up Mr. Melodious Bloody-By-Now. And Tramp was giving Axel some exercise, barking his head off as he chased the spiky git around.

"It's like a party!" Xemnas shouted merrily, sipping a pinkish liquid I assumed to be wine. I think the Superior was having too much of it, the way he was acting…"But where are the gifts? And this party needs flowers too!"

Yeah, he was drinking wine. Saix rolled his eyes, and Roxas sighed. And then it all went blank. Next thing I knew, I was in a bed, alongside Demyx, Luxord, Marluxia, and Zexion, who was snoring in his sleep.

"No, no! That's my pizza!" Zexion shouted, rolling over and reached out his hands, grasped an invisible something, and pulled it towards him protectively. And then he snored. It sounded like a freight train.

"Soooo, you're awake." The voice belonged to Vexen.

"What?" I remember asking.

"Don't 'what' me!" Number IV snapped "I saved your life, fool!"

"Actually, I wouldn't count shoving him through broken glass after stealing all his munny for payment, and dragging him to-"Luxord started.

"Shut up!!" shouted Vexen, "All of you are in here for a reason. Demyx, you were lucky to survive after being beat with a bunch of pots and pans. Luxord…you drank too much. Zexion is just here, and Marluxia…you have issues."

"Hey!" Piped up Flower-boy, "I like flowers, and that's that!!"

"You mean you love to obsess over your pansies, and marigolds, and burn any bees that get near anything and listen to their screaming, painful cries of 'Buuzz! Buuuuuzz buzz, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuzzzzzzz!!!'"

"And he has Pink underwear, too!" added Demyx. That was so unnecessary.

"How do you know!!??" Spat Marluxia "You snooping around my drawers, _perv_?"

"I use the Landry the same day as you, remember?" But Mr. McPink wasn't listening. He was too busy calling Demyx rude names.

"And you're here because you were knocked out by Wonder-boy over there, in his attempt to escape the clutches of death." Vexen indicated Demyx, who looked like the bone Saix liked to chew on to relieve stress.

And at that moment, Zexion rolled off the bed.

"Huh? What? What happened?? Where am I??!"

"You're safe from harm."

"HARM??!! Where? Who; why? What did I miss? Who am I? What am I doing here?? AAAAHHHHH!!" Zexion, with this, started to spazz. It was quite funny, really. And Vexen rushed over to calm him down.

"Zexion! _ZEXION!_!" Vexen shouted over number VI's yells of confusion, despair, and of blue balloons. "You're going to be OKAY."

"Really? Oh...Okay!" And with that, he went back to sleep. That's got to be the worst case of mood sings ever. Luckily, I got to leave right after that.

But then I ran into Xemnas, literally. Papers flew everywhere, and an empty folder decided to occupy my head. I attempted to scowl at it.

"What…are you doing, number III?" Xemnas towered over me. I struggled to say something other than 'walking'.

"Well, I turned the corner and ran into you…on accident, of course…"

"And what have you…" and he trailed off. "Number XIII!! Just in time!" Roxas came into view. I let out a great, relieved sigh.

"Huh? What?...Oh, Superior." _You're ruining it, Roxas!_

"I was looking for you. Come with me." And then he looked down at me, and his voice went down to his normal pace. "And _you._ I want you…to go get a haircut…as punishment."

"_WHAT??!!"_ I shouted.

"_Now_," He said sternly. I shrank on the spot. And he strutted down the hall, high and mighty, with the little brat trailing after him. He looked back at me with solemn eyes. Was that a sneer, or a look of concern? Didn't matter. He probably doesn't care about me anyway. He has his high-ranked _friend _to look after him, and invite him to tea in his office. I wondered what they talked about there…I just_ had _to know.

So, after I came back from the barber, looking like a fool, I admit it, I snuck up to Xemnas' office. I didn't take long at that stupid little place, so they were probably still taking. I made sure no one was looking, and pressed my ear up against the door. It is a dirty thing to eavesdrop, I know, but this madness had to stop. I remember Xigbar always ranting about how this was going too far. The whole Xemnas craziness was getting worse, I could just tell. And SOMEONE had to get to the bottom of it all…

"And what are we going to do about it?" It was Xemnas speaking, and from the 'thump, thump, thumps' I heard coming from the room, he was probably pacing. Not to mention the 'Sqeeeaaaak' of a mouse in there told me Xemnas needed to clean. "We must act now…sooner or later…"

"Yes, I know. But…" Roxas then mumbled something really quietly, that sounded a lot like 'underpants' making no sense at all, until Xemnas said something else, and the gears my mind stopped working from shock.

"And Saix will do it well…" I breathed in a bit of dust, and chocked on it. What was he going to do with _Moonboy? _Okay, so I was thinking dirty thoughts, and I was gasping for breath at the moment. So I lost the conversation.

"You really think Saix will do it? Why not send…" And I wheezed, trying to get the dust out. And then I let out a high-pitched yell. I think the mouse bit me on my sit-upon. But whatever happened after that I'm not too sure.

Xemnas must have hurt my pained cry, because the door swung open. And no, he didn't see me, because the door collided with my face afterwards, giving me a nosebleed. And he didn't notice me.

"Hmmm…must have been the gremlins…well, thanks for stopping by, Roxas!" And before the younger member could get out, he slammed the door and walked away like a little girl going to the prom.

And then WHAM! Roxas opened the door, which collided with my face yet again. Roxas made a 360 degrees whirl to see if anyone was there. Deciding no one was there, he turned and walked away.

And what did I get from that? _Nothing. _What a waste of time. The only thing juicy in that gossip was the part about Saix. But then, after I recovered from my…uh…little injury, I went to the living room to watch TV.

And there was Xemnas, eating a bag of chips. It looked like he had now gotten to the microchips, (what's in the bottom of the 'munchy' bag, as Lexaeus called it) because he grunted, and looked into the bag with a frown.

"One day…" He started "I'm going to go to a world with bigger bags of chips!" he declared, frustrated. That didn't make any sense, once you think about it.

"Sent me a postcard when you get there. And some of those chocolates with that gooey center…" He jumped, obviously startled.

"X-Xaldin. What in the non-existent world are you doing?" I knew he only asked that because he hated when his privacy was interrupted. He had this habit of talking to these little stuffed bunnies he had when he was alone…'Mr. Dufus…' he would say, 'Won't you have tea with me?' And I guess "Mr. Dufus" hated tea, because he said "DRINK IT, OR I'LL STEAL ALL YOUR LUNCH MONEY AND THEN BOIL YOU!!!" And we had one of those meetings about Xemnas, and once that particular part got to Demyx's skull after 20 minutes trying to figure that out, he began to talk about torture devices in his sleep, and screamed when we mentioned 'bunnies'.

"Um…well…" I started. But Xemnas wouldn't take it.

"You know what? We need a vacation." That was out of the blue. I didn't know Xemnas could be so random (and he could talk at a normal pace). Not to mention that was _dangerous. _From all the Fanfictions I've read about when we Organization members take a vacation, it never turns out pretty. And from where this whole Xemnas-madness is going, a vacation wouldn't be the best thing. It's like when Zexion decided he wanted to cook all over again.

"…Xemnas…I don't think…"

"Nothing can go wrong!" And he left without a word.

"Wait! Xemnas!! You…uh…forgot to turn off the TV!" But he was already gone. What could be worse than this? Xemnas has gone crazy, we're going to go on _vacation,_ and I got a haircut. This doesn't even _compare_ to when Zexion found all the spices in the shelf. The only thing that could be as worse as this is when Marluxia gave Vexen a swirly like the little girl he is. Number IV **STILL** rants about it in his sleep. Wouldn't shut up about 'disrespect' ever sense then.

And before I knew it, we were all on a bus to Disney World. We didn't use the corridors of darkness because Xemnas said it 'cramped his style.' And I think it's a cheesy choice; why couldn't we go to Atlantis or something? And we reserved a little pink seat in the back for Xigbar. He practically pounced in it like some mama's boy or something.

We each brought the necessities: candy, pillows, sleeping bags, and one personal item of or own. I brought our laptop, so I can type this chapter. I didn't really pay attention to what the others brought, but I knew Saix had his bone, Marluxia brought some onions to ward off Vampires (Like we said a dozen times over…he's got issues.), and I could've swore I saw the pink ear of a stuffed rabbit poking out of the depths of Xemnas' pocket.

We got there at about 12:00…P.M. All of us were very tired except for Zexion, who slept all the way there, and was currently asleep anyway. I longed for a nice, soft bed. But as soon as we got there, we quickly realized Kingdom Hearts was extremely popular, as a man in a Sora suit was right outside the gates. Xemnas walked right up to him and kicked him where the sun doesn't shine. He screamed like Demyx when the Superior gives him _the stare_, and ran into the streets, getting hit by a car.

"AAAAHHH! Sora's followed us here! Stalllkeeeerrr!!!" And finishing his little unnecessary exclamation, Demyx ran like Jack Sparrow, all the way to the 'castle' as they call it, and ran right into the wall. We dragged him by the foot, and went for rooms.

Luckily, we got that over and done with very fast. The manager almost fainted when he saw us, and everyone gave us weird looks in the hall. Then someone said 'Hey look! It's Axel!' and he suddenly got mobbed my fangirls.

I could just _tell_ this was going to be a long week…

----------------

Not as funny as the first chapter, but hey…I'm improvising the whole way.

Please Review. That's what makes mw want to update sooner, ya' know? And I've got a busy schedule as it is. Thanks!

BETA'D BY: RA-YUN. LIKE ALWAYS. :D


	3. Cheerios: Screw Doughnuts

Meh, this is so long overdue! Sorry for the wait for this. I almost discontinued it…

And everything totally messed up when I converted to Vista, so I almost had to redo it ALL. And I learned FanFiction doesn't support the new "Microsoft Word."

Oh, and whole "Santa" thing is a little late, but most of my humor comes from spur-of-the-moment stuff, so whatever. Fi!

Also! I do no own WalMart, Cheerios, or the "I gotta pee" song.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I knew that calamity would ensue. We all knew it. What peril we would encounter! One could purge just mulling over all the events that have unraveled themselves. Disney World, as Xaldin said (and as one of the few cases where he is correct), was not the greatest choice. I haven't the slightest clue why the Superior would choose to turn us in to the hands of destruction at this hour. I questioned him, and he said that is was for 'the greater good'.

It was a very insubstantial answer, but it was foolish to probe him further. You will always wind up like Lexaeus did after taking dance classes. But I suppose the first few days were not as terrible as I predicted they would be. This time, it was Axel's turn to dive us into silly nonsense.

It started when he stole Larxene's left shoe. What foul thought commanded him to do that, I have no idea. But after a very mad feminine voice penetrated Disney World, everything snowballed. First, Xemnas found the man wearing the Mickey Mouse suit and shouted "CHARGE!" I think that man won't be having any kids after what happened to him… Then, Zexion decided that he wanted to bring his DDR mat to his new room in the Disney World hotel. I think he's half deaf, because he turned the volume on MAX and we were forced to listen to a series of _thumps_ from his dancing and "Kick the Can" about 20 different times.

And then, "Zexy"; as it is repulsively said; fangirls started paying each other $20 apiece to get a view of him through the crack under his door. That was creepy. But Axel walked up behind him, and turned on a "RAAAARGGGGHHHH!!!" voice recording of Saix, hoping to scare all of them. Instead, they turned and glomped him, mistaking him for Saix. He deserved it.

Demyx found a new hobby of…well, eating. I warned him that all that sugar wasn't healthy, but after hearing the words "you could die" he instantly started his new hobby of drinking coffee.

Xemnas liked the roller coasters. Somehow, he managed to read the newspaper while riding them. That's what made his conversations on the ride so random.

"Hey Vexen," he would start, "what's the best part about this whole Disney World experin- WHAT??!!? Man managed to break out of jail when he threatened to eat the last doughnut if they wouldn't let him-I'm sorry, what did you say, number IV?" Like I said, he likes to multi-task during a conversation when he has a paper.

And Luxord decided that he needed a new "random word" to say every time you pass him. Today, it was 'WAFFLE$'. So when you saw him at the lottery ticket stand, reading his fortunes from his fortune cookies for lucky numbers, he'll be murmuring about death, destruction, Kingdom Hearts, and what he ate last year. And "WAFFLE$."

"AIIIIEEEE! WINNE THE POOH!!! You're, like, my favorite person EVER! Will you give me your autograph??!!?" Marluxia was practically shaking the ground in his excitement.

"Sure thing, kid."

"Wait a minute, pal! Hold it right there!" demanded Marluxia. "You don't sound like Pooh!"

"Look, sir-"

"IMPOSTER!!! GLAREAAAA!" Marluxia immediately started punching every part of the Pooh man he could reach, screaming "ARISE MY DAISIES!"

And then they had hired a new Sora-suit man. Who ran away screaming after we put him in the same room as Xigbar. Poor Freeshooter, he still hasn't recovered from his mental illness.

And then we ran out of doughnuts. Xemnas drove to the convenience store to pick up some more, and just had to drag all thirteen members along. Demyx whined about Axel eating all the ice cream all the way there. The others have started to really attack the food lately. I don't see where it all goes.

"And you…_sniff_…bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!" Suddenly, the bus gave a sudden jerk from a bump on the road. "AAAHH! What'd we hit?"

"You! Stay under the wheel; we'll be there in a minute," teased Marluxia.

"It's Xigbar! He jumped out the window and got ran over!" Everyone gave some type of sound, weather it was the amused snort of Axel, or the grunt of Saix as his coffee poured down his face and front from a spill. Most of the Organization scrambled out the bus to see number II's pain.

"I've gotta pee, I've gotta pee! I've really really really gotta pee!" Demyx started getting antsy, and you can guess why, running around in circles as soon as he got outside. "I've gotta pee! I've gotta-!"

"SHUT THE FUDGE UP!" screamed Axel.

Xemnas leaned down to the smashed Xigbar's level, picked him up by the collar, and shook him. "………H…e…y……"

After a few groans, Xigbar looked up at Xemnas, and then gazed around himself. "There are…little fairies…everywhere…uuugh…" And then he fainted. Again.

"I think he's really cracked this time," noted Roxas.

"Houston, we have a problem." Axel remarked, smirking.

"Hey, Axel…where's Houston?"

"Why did your other ever even bother going to school?

"Hahahaha, just kidding! I know that Houston is in California."

"Oh, never mind. It's pointless teaching you anything."

"B-but, I…"

"Just shut your face."

After shoving Xigbar somewhat upright into a seat and everyone got back into their rightful positions, we finally got to drive to a store to pick up some doughnuts, number IX screaming all the way.

"AIIIEEE! HELP MEEEEE! I'S Mr. &$!!!" And he runs over and squeezed Xemnas for protection from Mr. AKA: Saix, who apparently attributed this whole ordeal for Demyx going through his "Whazzat, I hate you" stage and to have some attention muttering something about monkeys. Unfortunately, the Superior doesn't take a liking to having his guts squeezed out, so he roughly shoved Demyx aside.

"OWWW! NON-EXISTANT MOOOOOOOOMYYYYYYY!!!" And then he stuck his head out the window and screamed it off. After many screams, a certain embarrassed, furious feminine nobody yanked number IX's head back into the automobile. Then Demyx started having psychotic seizures and slowly sank to the floor.

Meanwhile, Axel was reading Roxas a "horror" book he nicked of the NEA (Not Even Adults) section.

"And then he opened the door, the bug-ridden wood slowly creaking away from the wall, aaaand…"

"And? And what?"

"WHOOOOSH!"

"AAAAAHHHH! No more! I can't take any more!" Demyx had been listening in on the tale, and was now shielding everything from his vision. "PLEASE, I'll give you Squeezy; my pink bunny-bear from 8th Grade if you stoooop!!!" Xemnas seemed to perk at the words "Squeezy" and "pink".

Rolling his bright green eyes, Axel continued. "WOOOOSH!" Demyx gave a high-pitched scream at this. "Was the sound of the wind as the man stood stricken at the sight of eternal nothingness."

"Well, duh! Nothingness IS eternal. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT?" Xemnas squawked. Slowly.

"Hey Axel," Roxas started, turning to him, "You know what could have been better than nothing?"

"What?"

"ANYTHING AT ALL!" And with that, Organization XIII arrived at a local convenience store.

As Xaldin was departing from the bus, he gathered up the courage to speak, and asked Demyx, "Didn't…you have to…well, you know, take a leak?"

"Oh, yeah! I gotta pee! I gotta pee! I really really really gotta pee! I gotta pee! I gotta pee! I really really really-!"

"For Billy Bob's sake, will you shut the-"

"Billy Bob?"

"Yeah, "Pete" got old, not to mention who cares about that old cat's sake…"

"All right, settle down in the ranks!" shouted Xemnas. "Now I want no more squabbling or any mis-"

"WALMART??!!? THAT'S WHERE WHERE'RE SHOPPING??!! Not Wally World! NOOOOOOO!"

"Would…you just calm down…" But Xemnas was too late, because Demyx had already gone to the lavatory. And after the Superior walked away, Luxord leaned over to me, asking about my "lavish use of words.""

"Well, I suppose I have to go to the john too," stated Luxord.

"You mean the lavato-"

"NO! No scientific words for the john for me! Use oval office; the W.C.; dunny; loo; toilet; restroom; potty; whiz; anything other than some fancy…annoying…"

"…Eloquent?"

"Yeah, eloquent, egotistical- wait a minute, you've given me a scientific germ!!! AHHH!"

"Oh, I'm so ashamed; could I get you anything?"

"Uh…really? Get me some port wine please, so I can get a good rest."

"That's not sleeping, that's drinking too much until you pass out," noted Zexion, who looked quite drowsy. And then he went back to sleep.

"Close enough."

"Alright!" Xemnas' voice sounded over all the hustle and bustle. Time to…number X, could you please tell me what you are doing?

"Nuffin'," he oh-so-innocently stated as he shoved a few more doughnuts in his mouth. "It's just da ice-cream man," he took pause to swallow, "ran out of sorbet!"

"And I care bec-"

"ARGHHHHHH! I'VE GOTTA GO GET A CONE TOO!" And with that, Marluxia dashed off, running straight into the door, knocking him flat, but after recovering, got up and ran on screaming "BAGOOGA!"

"…Bagooga?"

"Superior," started Saix, "Can we go now; I believe number X has acquired the doughnuts."

"I don't know, the way he just scoffed the last five, I don't think there will be any left," Roxas muttered.

Xemnas thought on this while Luxord shoved another doughnut in his face. Then Lexaeus joined in the fun.

"Where's the holes to these things? What a rip-off!"

After waiting a few more minutes for Xemnas to respond, each member went off in their own directions, so it really made it hard to, shall we say, track them all. Except for Zexion, who was sleeping in the buggy that Saix was pushing.

"Whoooooo! Pretzels!" Xigbar was holding three of the uber-large ones in his hand, stuffing his face like it was the end of the world.

"Hey Xaldin! Lookie!"

"At what?" Xigbar crammed another ultra-pretzel into the gaping hole he called a mouth, so he couldn't reply at first.

"You know, you and Luxord would make nice eating buddies."

"Think so?" Luxord came in and grabbed one of Xigbar's prizes, and then rendered himself speechless by doing the same action number II had done.

"………………Yes."

Meanwhile, Saix was creating a mound in the buggy that The Cloaked Sleeper was currently napping in. It took a "heavy" packet of marshmallows to the head to wake him up.

"Nugggg…Saix?"

"Are you awake yet? Back in this world?"

"Uhhh…sure."

"I'm glad you're here, now leave." He took Zexion by the hair and threw him out.

"AAAAH! MEANIE! OH! WAIT!" He snatched his alarm-clock "Martian Mellows" out of Saix's hand. "You brought me a pillow! Thank you, whitey!" Then he went back to sleep with his new prize and drooled all over the Cheetos. Saix sighed. Now he knew what the "You're as pale as the moon!" joke was about.

Lexaeus silently screamed at Marluxia, because he stole his tub of ice cream because the ice cream man ran out of nacho chips, and had nothing to eat except Lexaeus' goods.

"……………………………...!!!!"

"Whut?" Marluxia teased, as he licked the side of his mouth.

"……………………………...! …………! …….!"

"I can't hear yooooou!" He crowed ever-so tauntingly and slowly shoved down the delicious sweet."

"$#………………………$……………$………&……!!!!" How he cussed silently we will never know. He suddenly ran at Marluxia. The pink-haired man screamed and ran. Lexaeus scooped up his prize. "………………………Mine."

Larxene was…

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Vexen, get out! And don't you dare post what you saw on our "little story!" You'll die a maggot-eaten death!"

…………In the dressing room.

"I swear I won't! Eeeeeee!" NO, I did NOT edit out a few more girly-squeals of mine.

Anyway, Axel and Roxas where looking at sporting goods, to Electronics, to chasing Santa out of the store…seriously, nobody likes people who dress up in suits in this world, do they? Here's how it went…

" Hey, Axel, look! It the jolly fat guy from Hawaii!"

"I thought he was from the N.P!"

"N.P? What does that stand for?"

"Nuclear Plasticity? I dunno. Beats me." Axel shrugged.

"Ho Ho!" said the man wearing the red suit and, that, by the looks of it, was talked into buying a life-time supply of cookies from those cheesy Girl Scouts.

"I thought it was 3 "Ho"s!" Roxas looked fairly upset.

"Why not say two so you can advertise for the HoHo Company and entertain the kiddies all the while?"

"……………………What the hell?"

"Now Roxas, you can't say the "H" word!"

"Yeah, he's right. Don't make me put you on my naughty list!"

"Oh, shut the hell up!" snapped Axel. "Who do you think you are? Santa Claus?"

"Of course."

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I always wanted to meet you!" Roxas leaped into his lap. "You didn't give me any presents last year! Not even any coal! I was so cold that winter, because coal was what was pretty much on my list anyway!"

"Ho Ho! Sorry, youngster! It was because-"

"Beautiful Babes, the magazine under my bed, is Axel's! I'm innocent!"

"……………What?"

"YEAH, REALLY ROXAS. WHAT!" Axel was on fire.

"…Er…anyway, what do you want for Christmas this year?"

"A BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH," and so on… "And a marshmallow shooter!……Got all that?"

"I…well, that is, think so…"

"Okay! Axel's turn!"

"NO WAIT! I'm not really Santa! I don't deserve-"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOO! But can you please, at least, send him my best wishes and my list, and-"

"Aaaaarg! I can't take any more!" And the poor man ran screaming out.

"What was his problem?"

"WHAT WAS YOURS???!?" Axel still wasn't in the best of moods. "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND TELL THE WORLD ABOUT-"

Roxas turned to him with great, big, puppy-like eyes. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Ulp! Uh…" There was a sniffle. "Er, no! Of course not!"

"Yay!" Axel looked down at him with gentle eyes. "Now let's go get a Marshmallow shooter!"

"Sure!"

Then I finally found Demyx. He was seeing how much candy he could eat before he vomited.

"Mfferrmuff?" He handed me a package of Sweety-Neaty Special Edition Sour-flavored…whatever they where. It tasted like a cinnamon roll. But despite the name "Sweety-Neaty", it was also a sour mess.

"I presume that you've still got munny left over for more?"

"Muffey?"

I spat it out. "YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR THIS?" He gave me the typical Demyx look. "Ah, who cares? It's not like I'm going to get caught with your petty games." I turned to leave, but number IX grabbed me suddenly.

Swallowing the rest, he pleaded, "Don't leave! I need an eating buddy! Please stay! No one will know!"

"Ever heard of cameras?"

"You mean those weird things hangin' from the ceiling? I broke 'em all with jelly beans!" Sure enough, every one of them in view where shattered, and I saw an empty candy wrapper and a stolen slingshot. I also saw a few other things that where demolished from where he missed, and random jelly beans scattered on the floor.

Good arm, slow mind.

"Ug…I don't have time for this! Here!" I passed him the laptop, the one that stores this story. "Write me a 2,000-word report over Organization XIII's full history. That should keep you entertained!"

"But-huh? Whut? WHUUUUUUUUT? WHYYYYYYYYY?"

"Because. Your level of ignorance exceeds my level of tolerance!"

"…………Meaning?"

"Just, just, just…deal with it." And I fled the scene.

An hour later…

Laptop back in hand, I was running for my life from a burning WalMart. Demyx apparently wondered what would happen if he stuck his tongue in an outlet. I'm surprised he hadn't tried it already. And everything just snow-cheerioed. I think is what they are called, apparently as a truck carrying boxes of cheerios drove by WalMart right when the building exploded. Ka-boom.

Demyx just so happened to be in the automotive section when he concocted his "brilliant" idea, and when he received the shock from the outlet, after he recovered, he grabbed the closest thing he could find; oil, and poured it all over the outlet.

How he managed to blow the whole thing up from that? Science, for this one time, won't explain. Lets just say "because it was Demyx who did it."

And so, when the Organization was assembled after the great calamity, I let out a sigh of relief. Clearly I picked the wrong group of people to spend my pitiful "life" with.

Xemnas finally stopped thinking of whatever it was he was thinking about. Poor guy, it must have been a lecture going on throughout the whole time we where in WalMart. He looked up, wondering what just happened, and, seeing the building ablaze, instantly blamed Axel.

"Why…might I so…humbly ask…" Never mind. I'm not even going to wait for him. Then I saw a heap of electrified matter that I soon came to realize was Demyx.

"Let me read that report 2,000-word report." Was the first thing that came to mind. I didn't even want to ask about the outlet.

"Okay!" He was surprisingly energetic for his state, and showed me the file on the laptop where he had typed it up. I edited the many misstates, but never once figured out what he meant by "And we wihere verrrrry hojipogi!"

It went something like this…

ORGY"S HISTORY!

By: ME!!

Organization XIII's history is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very interesting organization. They have many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many reasons to be famous. The reasons for being popular is a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long list that is…

"Aren't you going to read the rest of it?"

"No, because so far it's very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dull. Re-do it!"

"WHAT!?!!?" But it wasn't Demyx that said this. Zexion was reaching for Roxas, whom apparently just took his "pillow." Or his marshmallows, to be correct.

"I need them for ammunition!" And he dumped most of them in his new Marshmallow shooter.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You're wasting their uber-gushy, squishyness of the softened puff!"

"LET HIM HAVE THE MARSHMELLOWS." The Superior suddenly loomed over number VI.

"But…"

"NOW." He gave Zexion such a glare that he would have nightmares for a month. So he fainted. Or fell asleep. It was hard to tell.

And then a marshmallow pinged Xemnas on the head. He screamed, and ran for the bus. We all stared after him in horror. Our leader. Our master. A pansy! What does it make us? Pansyettes?

"…Sorry?" Roxas looked bemused. Everyone else was horrified. Except Demyx, who was blowing bubbles.

After that, Saix was nominated to drive. Xemnas was cowering in the pink seat, alongside Xigbar, who was still stuffing his face. Roxas had overcome his shocked state, and was chatting with Axel. And I noticed that we forgot to pick up an extra packet of doughnuts.

But we always have Cheerios.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, finally done. This was a bit longer than the other two chapters so far, so I guess it barely makes up for the long-overdue-ness. I started a new Fandom, so I picked back up on this to get it done.

So, seeing as how I want to do a totally different Fic, MAYBE I'll do the rest of the Chapters quickly. But seeing as how I obviously can't keep updating promises, who knows. Maybe. But maybe not.

BETA'D BY RA-YUN. AGAIN.


End file.
